Thursday, October 16, 2008
1:28 AM
My past...it just keeps coming back to me. I used to be this happy go lucky girl. Always cheerful and always having that smile on my face. Im not who i am anymore. Yes theres still a smile on my face sometimes. But..i dont feel it anymore. Its like an empty smile with nothing to share. Someone told me once....ive been given the fruit of joy by god. But whats happening to it now. Am i being punished for my sin? I remember when i was primary six, Angela once told me how she likes seeing me because even in the morning, ill smile and greet everyone when everyones not really awake yet. Someone else told me that my smile brightens ones day. Even if that person is having a bad day, seeing me smile and simply say hello brightens their day. So whats wrong with me now? Why the sudden change...teacher pam told me last year during the chalet that she felt as though my smile has been fading since June last year. Truth is...it did. And i miss my smile. Im like loosing myself and i really dont know who i am anymore.
If i dont get promoted, i dont know what im going to do with my life. Everything has been going well and smooth up till i became secondary 2. Since the year 2005, ive been cursed and my life has been stained with unpleasant memories to live with. The thing about me is...im a perfectionist. And i really dont know how im going to go through the rest of my life without perfect grades and pleasant memories. It feels like my life has been scared soo badly....im going through depression. Really...i am. Ive become one of those emo kids. My life used to be filled with colours. Oh...what am i supposed to do to colour my life back...to get my smile back...to figure out who i am...and to quit emoing unless necessary?
God...pleaseee read this....i seek your help. I want to become a better person. I know my life is quite screwed up at the moment but im sure if i get through all this...i can make pleasant memories. Give me another chance...please..and guide me through all this difficulties. I feel so alone these days. I dont know whats happened to everyone. Even HE has changed. =( I need an angel to physically be there for me. HE used to be my angel. But he turned out to be an angel in disguise. Hes really a devil...i made a mistake. Should have never gotten involved.